Five Guys Reveal Their Worst Manscaping Horror Stories
Listen up men. We’re hairy. Some of us more than others, but in general, we are a bunch of hairy beasts. Sometimes, just sometimes, we want less hair, or at least to be in more control of the hair we’ve got. So, we pluck a little and trim a little. OK, so what if we are hoping for a little more? What’s the big deal? Take some scissors, or maybe a bigger trimmer and get busy. Well, that’s where some of us are more fortunate than others. Sometimes things don’t go the way we planned – s surprise ending.
It’s OK, it happens to the best of us. Sure, in varying degrees, but at some point in all of our lives, we’ve gotten a little experimental, or maybe a little too confident in our abilities and made some mistakes. Maybe we thought we could take a shortcut this time?
Before you go thinking any of this sounds like a good idea – wait a second. This post isn’t on the exciting stories that turned topiaries out of some dudes testicles. Quite the opposite. These are five stories of straight up horror. Yeah, they’re funny now, but when these guys sacrificed their scrotum for our amusement, they were not the ones laughing. We thank them for sharing their tales of taint trimming gone awry. No manicured mound of pubic hair should ever cause as much pain as it has caused for these guys.
Men – we thank you for your service, and we hope all has healed up nice and neatly and with the exception of one of you, all your balls are back where they’re supposed to be.
“On Comes Kiss’s Detroit Rock City”
One reddit user decided he would let his balls sweat to the oldies while he went ahead and gave them a fresh new do.
“I was trying to shave my balls while in the shower and had my classic 70’s and 80’s playlist on. On comes Kiss’s Detroit Rock City, and it being the song it is, I had to jam out to the beginning with the first guitar solo. Without thinking I started strumming along and by the time it got to the end of the solo I was really going at it and boom on the last strum the razor which was still in my hand slipped past my right nut and left a 3/4-1inch slash.”
Let me stop you there – hell no is naked in the shower when you should break into song and forget that task at, or better yet, in hand. “It was terrifying and incredibly painful and produced quite a bit of blood.” That right there is bad enough, but, should you have a fear of blood, this may not end so well. “I have an extreme fear of blood, hospitals, needles the whole shebang which sometimes causes me to hyperventilate and being in the shower with the water spreading it out and making it look 10x worse than it was. I proceeded to slump to the floor and stay there for about a minute… Luckily I didn’t hit my head too hard and the cut wasn’t too deep so I’m all good, but be careful with razor’s. They’re a lot sharper when used the wrong way.” We don’t know if that is scientifically proven, but we’re going to take this dude’s word for it.
“I Couldn’t F*ck For Weeks”
A friend of mine confided in me about this time in college. So, as all good friends do, I’m going to tell you all about it. “In college I lost an alarming chunk of skin to a low quality electric razor while shaving my pubes in my suite’s communal bathroom. It was the Men’s Body Groom buzzer that every gay had like 12 years ago because their ad was hilarious, but the product was a cheap POS.”
These statements do not reflect the beliefs of AskMen or its writers (but you know what, we’re gonna say we’re good with not trying this trimmer any time soon).
He continues, “I was using it to get the hair at the base of my dick without any guard on it, and it fed a chunk of skin right into the blades and ripped it clean off. It hurt and bled like a motherfucker. It was only the top layer so I didn’t need stitches, but I couldn’t fuck for weeks. First because it would irritate it, then because I had to explain the oozing gash on my dick. I learned never to buy cheap grooming products because they have a funny ad and to always use a guard when buzzing my junk. It healed surprisingly fast given how awful it was. For years when I saw a guy had that stupid buzzer I’d tell him to chuck it.” Thank you for spreading the word man. Countless men’s pubic regions must have been saved by your PSA.
“He Cut His Balls So Bad He Had To Get One Removed”
Sometimes the best stories come from friends – much like the stories we are sharing with you right now. We’re paying it forward to you just like this reddit user has done for us. “Not me but a guy I knew… he was shaving his balls in the mirror. He had one leg up on the sink and was shaving. Somehow his leg slipped and he really fucked himself up. He said instantly there was a ton of blood. Since his parents weren’t home and he knew he fucked up badly he needed to get to the hospital.”
We’re just going to interject here – don’t be a hero fella’s. If you think you need to go to the hospital, go to the hospital. It’s a hell of a lot better than what might have to happen if you don’t. “He took the hand towel and held it on his balls and threw on some sweat pants. He then drove himself to the hospital where they ended up removing his one nut.”
R.I.P. One Nut.
“To make matters worse, when his mom got home she though something really bad had happened – like murder bad. There was a ton of blood on the bathroom floor and drops of blood leading out through the house and outside to where her son’s car should have been. She called the cops and a sheriff came out. He took a look at the bathroom and thought maybe there was a freak shaving accident so he called the hospital and asked if they had had a shaving accident come in. Sure enough the mystery was solved.” Moral of the story for all mom’s out there – try the cell phone first. It may save a few folks from knowing your son shaved his ball off.
It’s not always a self-inflicted wound that causes an issue. Guy’s might not always be the best at junk business, so we sometimes prefer to outsource our work.
Think twice men, a paid professional may not always be the best option. “ I don’t manscape much but, and this is already a few years back, but I went to a salon for a shoulder wax.” Raise your hands if you have done, or thought about waxing that back hair so you don’t have to worry about it. Yep, quite a few of you.
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“My back isn’t particularly hairy, but could have been cleaned up and the gal offered to take care of that. I shrugged and said sure. It was the summer and I wanted to look good by the pool. Well, with little hair to remove, it would appear they ripped the top level of skin off causing a massive infection from shoulder to hip that lasted for quite sometime. Cut to me to going to the doctor in need of a topical antibiotic and as we know, antibiotics and the sun don’t mix so looking good by the pool was foiled. For weeks I was in severe pain. After some research, I found that the leading cause of infection is ‘double dipping’ – meaning the same pot of wax and utensils are used on multiple clients. Let’s say, I’ve never done a waxing again.” Yeah, we’re going to go ahead and vote no on sharing wax with guys we don’t know (or, do, for that matter).
“Religion Hadn’t Featured Much In My Life Until That Night”
Our last story here guys, comes from to us from one of the most fertile sites for random and entertaining stuff: Amazon. This Veet review from A. Chappell has gained notoriety. Let this be what wraps up our fun little chat about what can go wrong when trying to clean up your business.
“After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian, I decided to take the plunge and buy some [Veet] as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types… Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.”
“At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.” OK, damn dude. That’s a description that’s pretty hard to forget. “Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two vegs.”
“Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip, I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.”
“The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.”
“The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering… ‘Ooooh that feels good.’ Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11:00 in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…”
“So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…”